


Pride and Pain

by welcometothenewhigh



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa prevails, Costia is a dick, F/F, Lexa just hopes for the best, M/M, Mention of spousal abuse, Not actually pride and prejudice related, Probable One Shot, Southern Clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-09-24 04:49:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9703025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welcometothenewhigh/pseuds/welcometothenewhigh
Summary: "How little of permanent happiness could belong to a couple who were only brought together because their passions were stronger than their virtue." Pride and Prejudice, 1813.Lexa is a veterinarian at a busy New York City clinic and she has a pretty decent life with her girlfriend Costia. Recently though work has had her swamped and Costia began finding new ways to keep herself occupied. When that came in the shape of a beautiful woman named Clarke, Lexa almost didn't mind.However maybe Clarke will have had enough once she meets Lexa and sees just how different she is than most people.





	1. "A girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just uploading some stories I have in my documents so this is most likely a one shot. If I continue I will probably do more in the past to give more story to the affair buut I don't know what this is lol.  
> The Jane Austen quotes just make it a little more fun.

On her drive home through the city, Lexa got to thinking about whether or not dinner might be waiting for her when she got there. _It wasn’t likely,_ her brain supplied for her. Her girlfriend Costia used to always cook with Lexa afters she got home from a long day at the clinic. Lately however Lexa noticed her girlfriend barely speaks with her, never mind cooks her dinner. She supposes what with her long hours and Costia being unemployed and free to have fun it only makes sense they’d grow apart. It still does little to stop the slow ache that seeps into her at the thought of coming home to an empty home.  
  
As she pulled into the driveway of her very own large, dark brick house with a pillared stone porch, she saw the shadows of moving figures inside. She could guess that perhaps Costia was having a dinner party, since they live in a quite posh neighborhood in Manhattan, but Costia was a quiet person usually. _Except lately,_ she reminds herself. Opening the door and walking into her foyer, the only noticeable thing (besides the mess) was a smooth, melodic voice coming from the living room. Lexa follows the voice almost robotically, without knowing why.  
  
All thoughts Costia and dinner vanish as she looks into the living room to see a blonde woman, whom Lexa has come to know as Clarke--standing back to her and singing happily, from the sound of it. Clarke is…for lack of a better term, Lexa’s girlfriend’s girlfriend. Which yes, is as crazy and painful as it sounds, but over the past month she has accepted that she pushed Costia away enough to make this happen. Lexa can’t help but hope Costia, her girlfriend of a year, can stay with her anyway instead of throwing away their spark while she’s in this freedom phase of her life.  
  
Speaking of, she then sees Costia past the blonde, sitting on the couch among a gaggle of other people she’s never seen, never mind any of her own neighbors. Lexa knew these were Clarke’s friends. Next to her is a dark haired, gorgeous brunette with dark skin and a bright smile watching Clarke sing. On her left is another brunette with even longer black hair and bright green eyes, who is on the lap of a muscular, lean man with a mohawk and matching, kind eyes. On her loveseat are two silly and scrawny looking boys who are busy fighting over the right to sit fully on it.  
  
The blonde kept singing her song, which Lexa was fighting to react to because it was one of her favorites. A Case of You by Joni Mitchell lyrics came from the lips of this goddess and chills went up her spine as she leaned against the door frame. Lexa decided to see if her girlfriend was feeling sweet tonight and walked in quickly to take the seat on her right. Costia’s eyes met her for a moment, smoldering with enmity and disappointment. She chanced a small grin anyway and mouthed ‘hi’ but Costia just looked at her with distaste now.  
  
“That seat is taken. Go upstairs or just stand again.” The girl brushed her off with her hand and looked back to the blonde. Lexa swallowed down the hurt and rose to stand at the threshold of the room again. To her chagrin but relief-- still nobody noticed her nor what just transpired. After a few moments Lexa began to feel increasingly small once again so she simply excused herself to go upstairs, leaving without a sound. As she did the girl ended her song, bowing and saying “thank you” to her friends over their cheering. Lexa listened to her voice the whole way upstairs until the sudden quiet of the 2nd floor took over.  
  
The brunette was happy to embrace the silence after being scolded by Costia. After making it to her room and beginning to undress; she found herself standing in just a shirt in the middle of unbuttoning it when a clumsy Costia came in. Lexa giggled at the sight before stopping her ministrations to reach out to the girl but quickly the brunette faced her, shoving her back onto the bed. A mean look crossed her gaze before she began yelling at Lexa.  
  
“Why did you come sit next to me? Why’d you have to do that?” Costia asked her harshly. Lexa almost didn’t understand what she’d even done. “I know you think we’re together but you can’t just come around when Clarke is here. Stay upstairs, none of them want to meet you, ok?” Then as if she hadn’t just crushed her heart, Costia smiled and turned back around stumbling out. Lexa just stayed in place on the bed, hearing her words again in her head. The thought made her ache as she just laid down, pulling the covers up and falling into a deep sleep.  
  
It’d been a couple of days since Costia had the blonde woman and her friends over. She hadn’t spoken to her since then, but Lexa had tried to engage her girlfriend by making them breakfast or offering to take her out shopping for the day. Which they did yesterday, but Costia just took her card and lost her in the mall before going back to the car where Lexa had been sat for two hours. It was something though and Lexa was still bemused that Costia hung out with her even for a while. This morning as she lay awake in bed, feeling her stomach hurt terribly she decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a day to herself from work. With that thought Lexa let herself fall asleep again. It wasn’t until 10 a.m. when the smell of coffee brewing tempted her to get out of bed and go looking.  
  
The sound of voices in the kitchen slowed her though, as she waited to see who was here.  
  
“So you wanted to go shopping right? Should we invite your girlfriend?” A curious voice asked, sounding deep and husky; she guessed it was the woman Clarke. Lexa waited patiently before coming out. Costia’s voice came next.  
  
“No, she has work today. Which she’s late for, wherever she is.” Was her hasty reply. Lexa’s hope sunk. Not that she truly felt well enough to be out in the city, but it would’ve been nice to get the invite. She sighed anyway, coming around the corner and speaking to announce herself.  
  
“Morning. Actually I took the day off because I don’t feel good.” Lexa didn’t look for her answer, instead continuing past them in search of something in the kitchen. She didn’t see Costia’s sneer.  
  
“You still can’t come.” Her girlfriend said, huffing hard and Lexa glanced over in time to see the blonde standing, puzzled, as Costia sat and glared. Lexa just stood awkwardly and nodded, knowing her girlfriend must really not want to be around her whatsoever. It pained her, but it was her fault.  
  
“Since you don’t feel well we could also stop for some cough and cold items?” The blonde inquired, but Costia strained to look friendly at her answer, so Lexa jumped under the bus to save her.  
  
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll survive. I hope you guys have a good day.” She said, aiming to go back into her room after not seeing anything to make. However a certain blonde stepped in her path, cutting her off and then pushing a hand into her face, assumably to assess her temperature. Lexa did her utmost to refrain from outwardly flinching. More often than not if Costia was reaching into space like that it was surely not to check her temperature.  
  
Pulling herself from her thoughts, she allowed herself to look at the floor instead of the girl before her. When a soft hand met her head, she couldn’t help but let out a soft gasp and almost stepped backwards, but she held still. An exhale left her lips as she waited but then the scent of vanilla and coconuts invaded her senses and she felt herself calm in seconds. She pleaded with herself not to look up and ruin this, but then--  
  
“You can look at me. My name is Clarke by the way. We didn’t exactly meet the other night.” This woman was brave considering she was the woman dating her girlfriend and this was the first time she'd been in her home. However her gravelly voice was so kind Lexa did look up, and what she saw took her breath away again. Clarke was closer to her than she expected and the blue of her eyes was shocking, the sheer ice and pools of dark ocean underneath. Her skin was unblemished and perfect, making her take notice of the dark freckle by her lips. Her very pink lips.  
  
Lexa was absolutely lost staring at this girl and she knew it by the small smirk playing in the corner of the girl’s mouth. How could she ever blame Costia for finding someone like her? She felt embarrassment take over her features as she looked to the floor again and Costia spoke then finally after what seemed like forever.  
  
“Can we go? She’s fine.” She snarled, giving her a reprieve she took. Lexa walked past Clarke but Clarke grabbed hold of her forearm, meeting her eyes.  
  
“You don’t have a fever, but take it easy.” The blonde said sweetly, squeezing her arm and she didn’t have the voice to say anything so she nodded hastily. Finally Clarke pulled her hand off, but her heat still emanated in place. Clarke walked out the door after Costia, flashing her a small smile before closing it. Lexa looked around at the mess of pans and plates, figuring she’d clean up the place than wait for Costia to complain. It wouldn’t take long and before she knew it she was back in bed falling asleep once more.


	2. "Till this moment I never knew myself."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pleased by the preference of one, and offended by the neglect of the other, on the very beginning of our acquaintance, I have courted prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away… till this moment I never knew myself.” P and P, 1813.
> 
> Clarke thinks maybe she shouldn't be with someone like Costia anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principal.” P and P, 1813.

Clarke doesn’t remember the exact moment she met Costia, or when she decided to have another affair with a taken person but she does recall it making her feel the worst she has in months. With her past… that meant something. Clarke just couldn’t help but throw herself into these stupid situations with people who belong to someone else but give her their attention anyway. _It’s something in the thrill,_ she thinks. However that’s so horrible of her it makes her roll her eyes at herself, huffing hard. She’s sat with Costia at this cute, crowded outdoor roof top cafe-like diner. There is nice music playing and dim lights towering their tables that were trying to set a mood even though it’s the middle of a breezy afternoon and she’d rather be dancing somewhere in this sun. Still though _it is really nice,_ she tells herself again. Considering she lives in the city you’d think she’d be used to the constant sound of traffic and hum of people everywhere.  
  
Except Clarke was born in the South. In a big old house that her family built 200 years ago and she was taught to say yes please and thank you to everything and everyone. Now? She was a New Yorker, who often forgot why someone was even in front of her unless they had something important to tell her. A year ago she found herself living in a high loft in the tallest building in Tribeca with a man named Finn. He was nice and giving, his smile was charming and he gave her everything she wanted. For his part, he did do a really good job pretending they had their own life. He literally gave her it all, from the house to the pets to the cars to the sex. His secret though was he also had two other girlfriends with a house and a cat and a porsche too. It was ironic.  
  
She’d always been one to choose well she thought, but leaving Louisiana and finding herself in a big city made her forget who she was. It was easy to become an impatient, stranger-snubbing snob like everyone else here it seemed, but she hadn’t meant to. Finn took down her walls by letting her think everything was perfect. The perfect illusion of a happy life made her think she was happy too but when his perfection finally started cracking, and he called her by the name Raven and Echo on separate occasions during a fight, she realized it might all have been a charade. He designed his life to revolve around lies and she bought it all, living his lie. She’d moved out a few months ago now, and she met Costia after.  
  
The dark skinned, golden eyed girl had a sweet smile and determined eyes. When Clarke got caught in them, she couldn’t help but fall into her trap. The first time Costia mentioned Lexa, she laughed. Of course she’d believed another person was actually free and willing to be with her. Of course there was someone else and she was the other woman, again. Except Lexa was different. Lexa knew, and Clarke knew she knew. It made it harder. The first time she saw the brunette, her green eyes stunned her and she couldn’t help but reach out to grab the woman’s face. It was odd. She had been seeing Costia for over a month by the time she’d even stepped foot into their apartment. As soon as she did, her feelings changed. Her guilt seeped in. Her consciousness wouldn’t allow her to kiss Costia back or meet her smiling eyes.  
  
Lexa was too good for this. She allowed her lover to fawn over other girls while herself being treated awfully and being forgotten and hurt. Clarke ached to see her and ached to know she was another part of her hurting. It hadn’t taken her long to see that Lexa deserved better, and it was even shorter that Clarke had decided to give her that. As she sat across from Costia now, she decided she’d have to slow it down with her, but not too much as to end this ‘relationship’. She still needed to see Lexa and know her. A tilt of the head from Costia made her smirk, wondering how long it’d been since she zoned out.  
  
“So, what are we doing today?” She asked sweetly, nursing a chai latte and meeting Costia’s eyes.  
  
“I was thinking we could go to your house and play.” Was the woman’s reply. She reached out for Clarke and the blonde had to fake a smile, allowing her to hold her hand. “All day?” She continued in a questioning tone. Clarke almost dropped her smile but held still.  
  
“I was really thinking I’d like to get your girlfriend something for her cold. She didn’t look good.” Clarke said, hoping she came across as concerned and not anything more. Truthfully Clarke didn’t know why but she wanted to be there at the house with Lexa watching whatever she may watching or just doing whatever she’s doing. Maybe it was her guilt. Maybe it was the fact Lexa was prettier than any person she’d seen in her life. Clarke couldn’t have drawn a face more beautiful and symmetrical than hers. The green of her eyes was hypnotizing. Lexa was just so--"  
  
“Unnecessary. You said she was fine.” Costia spit, her eyes suddenly flaring with animosity. Clarke almost didn’t recognize the girl who sat across from her. It was like the mere mention of Lexa made her furious. Clarke wondered what the girl could have done to make her girlfriend like this.  
  
“I said she didn’t have a fever. I didn’t say she wasn’t pasty, fatigued and in need of antibiotics and good soup. Costia, your girlfriend is sick. Why don’t you care?”  
  
“Why do you?” Was the immediate reply. Clarke’s heart raced, questioning herself as well. Why did she care? However truthfully she told herself she’d be rather awful. She was the other woman and if she didn’t care she’d probably be even worse of a person than she is. The blonde justified it by saying it was simple curiosity and her being a good person. Lexa being beautiful and mistreated simply gave her incentive.  
  
“Because she’s a person who doesn’t feel well. How can you not be sympathetic? Don’t you love her?” She questioned, not knowing fully if she wanted the real answer.  
  
“I was beginning to love you.” Costia said sweetly, dropping an octave but Clarke felt like she’d had a bomb dropped on her right there.  
  
“How? You don’t know all of me.” It came out faster and maybe even meaner than she’d intended but for what it was worth it was the truth, and the look on Costia’s face said enough. It said, game on, and Clarke didn’t want to play this game. “I’m serious.” She continued, holding eye contact until the brunette seemed to fidget at her look and gave up.  
  
“You don’t love me back?” Clarke almost giggled. Not maliciously. She liked Costia. There was a lot to like. The woman was smart, she was beautiful, but she was also taken and didn’t seem to have a care in the world for her girlfriend. How would she ever treat Clarke if they were together? The thought egged her on, thinking maybe she shouldn’t keep this going, and perhaps pursue Lexa afterwards. Coming clean would be good. It could ruin it all, or Lexa could appreciate her trying to be different considering it seemed as if she already knew of the affair. All this thinking made her huff again, and Costia took that as a sign of her saying no. “Well Clarke what are we doing?” She almost laughed now.  
  
“Having an affair?” Clarke said, watching Costia’s eyes bug quickly before returning to normal and the girl took a gulp of her drink. “Is that not what this is?”  
  
“Clarke, I don’t love Lexa, ok? I did, but I hate what she became. I want to end it with her but where will I stay? Unless, I can stay with you?” Costia asked in what Clarke thought she must think is cute but to her it was just sneaky. The thought of this woman living with her did not sound appealing. Maybe it was because she had moved in with her own friend and didn’t have a place, but why would she want to give Costia an out? She needed one herself. If they broke up Lexa would be free to pursue, but Costia would think Clarke wanted to be with her.  
  
“I don’t think that’s a possibility, but if you don’t love her you need to leave her.” Costia smiled right away, reaching for her hand and Clarke just sneered. “No, not because I want you. You need to do it because that’s the right thing. You’re using her right now.” The woman’s smile dropped and she shook her head.  
  
“No I’m not. I just live with her. It isn’t my fault she thinks she can still fix what was between us.” Costia spit, looking angry. “I’ll call her right now and tell her it’s over because I hate her so much.” The brunette reached for her phone but Clarke lurched faster, ripping it from her.  
  
“How dare you do that to her while she’s sick at home. You can do it when she’s better and when you can be adult enough to tell her why.” Clarke scolded, making sure Costia knew she was serious. The woman looked like a child to her suddenly. Her insolence was written all over her face and she was pouting like a little girl who didn’t get her way. Suddenly Clarke couldn’t remember at all what she’d found so attractive in her. “You know Costia, I don’t want to hear from you again. You’re not a good person and I won’t let you make me worse.” With that, Clarke stood up and walked away from the girl who’s jaw was on the floor. She’d been seeing Costia for an entire month too long.  
  
Finally in the elevator waiting to exit the building, she got a second to think about the past couple months. The very first time she’d ever seen Lexa was about a week after meeting Costia and finding out she had a girlfriend.  
  
_Clarke had been walking to meet her a local coffee house when she saw Costia across the street and another girl walk towards her, handing her a drink already. The girl had long dark brown hair that was wavy and some of her bangs were up, showing off her sharp jaw and large eyes from afar. The girl was beautiful, but right away Costia had refused the drink from her; nervously glancing around and Clarke felt a heavy guilt seep into her thoughts knowing Costia was making sure she wasn’t near. Clarke scuffled closer to the two across the street, leaning on the nearest car. Luckily it was a quiet, 11 a.m. Wednesday morning and Clarke could perfectly hear the two._  
  
_“—But why are you here? Don’t you have work every day?” The girl in question seemed offended, looking down briefly before she met Costias’ eyes._  
  
_“It’s lunch time, if you ever care to read my texts and meet me for it once in a while. I come here all the time, you’re never here Cos.”_  
  
_“Can you not call me that? I’m meeting a friend from high school here, if you have to know. I don’t want to have lunch with you anyways, you look a mess. You’re wearing scrubs, Lexa.”_  
  
_“A friend from high school? You went to high school across the country though. And I’m a fucking vet, Costia! What else am I supposed to wear?” Lexa just pulled her long coat tighter over her said scrubs, and Clarke noticed she began walking away._  
  
_“K bye!!” Costia waved her off much too happily, and Clarke finally crossed the street. “God that was close. I knew I saw you but you ducked in time.” Then the girl planted a kiss on her cheek. Clarke was still shaken from seeing the girlfriend up close and almost running into her, but Costia couldn’t have cared less._  
  
_“How’d you get her to walk away?” She couldn’t help but ask. Costia giggled._  
  
_“I usually just insult her and she gets all flustered and leaves.” Clarke’s heart sunk, feeling bad for the girl._  
  
The memory slaps her in the face, reminding her right from the beginning she could’ve done more for Lexa. It hurts her heart to know she’d been helping Costia hurt her for past month. The first time she’d thought about saying something to interfere with Costia’s treatment of her was the morning after their party, a week ago. Another memory comes out of nowhere.  
  
_Clarke awoke in the guest bedroom to the sound of two people fighting, and deduction told her it was Costia and Lexa. Lexa’s voice was new to her though and she couldn’t tell why she was upset, but Costia had a high-pitched whine as she was yelling away._  
  
_“No! That means you have to move!”_  
  
_“This is my house and my bed, Costia. I went to sleep in my own bed! I did nothing wrong.” A voice answered, strong but weary._  
  
_“You weren't supposed to be in this bed! I hate being near you.” Costia spit, her voice so loud and full of distain Clarke almost wanted to hide herself for Lexa’s sake. Was Costia really picking a fight because the woman slept in the same bed as her? Clarke remembers to last night, Costia had mistakenly fallen asleep in there thinking Clarke would follow but technically it was the girlfriend's room so why would she. It still made her curious as to what else went on when she wasn’t around that Costia started fights over. How did Clarke not notice this before? Costia had probably abused Lexa during each and every moment they were together. Clarke wanted nothing more than to find out why Costia hated her so much, but now, as she sat in her car outside the rooftop restaurant she’d just ditched said girl at, she didn’t know what to do next. Clarke had no home to be, just her friend Octavia’s house while the girl tested out living with her boyfriend of a year. It wasn’t ideal, but with the way her life was going she was honestly lucky to still be in New York. Maybe it was time to go home, but she couldn’t do that without telling Lexa how sorry she was for the pain she helped cause._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love my Lexa but I have a habit of bullying her hahaha my bad. if I ever continue I will make her stronger(;


	3. "Neither of us Perform to Strangers"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Mary wished to say something sensible, but knew not how.” P and P, 1813.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
> 
>  
> 
> Clarke hopes her words are enough.

Now determined with a new plan in mind, Clarke left the restaurant she was at and started driving back towards the city. Many things ran through her mind on what to do first but she knew first thing was that she had to see Lexa. The fresher and less collected she was in her apology would be most believable for Lexa to see the real her. It was her only chance if she ever wanted to be forgiven by someone like her. The drive to Lexa’s home felt like it took forever but finally the dark house appeared in front of her as she parked. Lexa was inside, Clarke knew of it since she was sick. Maybe she should have gotten her something…  
  
Before the blonde could leave though and lose any courage, she opened the car door and began walking with purpose. Her knocks on the heavy door went unanswered for about a minute, and Clarke almost guessed the woman fell asleep. Then the door opened though, slightly. A meek looking Lexa was on the other side, wrapped in a black knitted blanket with messy hair up high and a glisten on her tan skin. Clarke’s heart raced a little faster at the sight.  
  
“Hi Lexa. Do you mind if I come in?” The brunette’s brow furrowed before she opened the door more.  
  
“Sure. Weren’t you out with Cos?” Clarke nodded, walking past her inside.  
  
“Yea but you know, I needed a change. I wanted to talk to you about something.” A small groan came from Lexa at the mention of that. “Please? It’s time to be direct about things.” Lexa walked into the living room and laid on the couch, but kept her eyes open and on her. Clarke wishes again she remembered to grab some soup or medicine, but her haste got the best of her. She took a seat on the loveseat and watched Lexa until she was comfortable.  
  
“I know what you want to talk about.” Clarke sighed, getting ready for possible anger. “But I didn’t think you’d come here to break up with me for her.” Was her choked answer instead and then a quiet sob came from the girl as she curled up. Clarke almost skidded onto the ground in front of her to grab her then.  
  
“No! Lexa I’m not doing that. Don’t cry oh please don’t. You’re too beautiful to cry over her.” The blonde spit out, pleading with her. She was confused why Lexa would think that but then remembered she didn’t realize Clarke had literally just ended the affair because of her change of heart. Because of Lexa. “You’ve got to believe me. I just told her I’m done with this shit. I’m done helping her hurt you.” Lexa became quiet and wiped her face gently, barely looking at her but she was listening.  
  
“You broke up with Costia?” Another misplaced giggle slipped out, she cursed her bad timing to laugh. Lexa eyed her tiredly.  
  
“I don’t think it counts as a break up if I was the other woman, right?” She asked, knowing Lexa would understand her.  
  
“I guess so but it’s not like she was really my girlfriend anymore anyway. You were more hers. Why did you come here then?”  
  
“I needed to tell you I was sorry. Lexa I swear I’ve never tried to be this bad person I am. I used to be so kind, my mother would probably slap me if she saw me now. I just—I got so caught up in who New York made me feel I could be. This city takes the heart right out of a person, don’t you think?” Lexa thought about it, looking her face over and Clarke’s heart skipped at the intensity.  
  
“I think it shows you their heart.” The woman said quietly. Clarke looked down but nodded, holding her breath for more. “Thank you for coming here.” Clarke looked back up, a small curve on her lips.  
  
“You’re welcome. I wanted to know if you could forgive me, because if you can’t I don’t think I can stay in this city. I need to know if you’ll be able to think of me as a good person.” Lexa squinted her eyes at her, making her doubt the outcome of this all suddenly. So badly Clarke wanted this woman to say ‘Yes, I do forgive you. I want to be with you Clarke. I’ll give you that chance!’ But the reality of the situation reminds her, she’s lucky to even be getting this chance. If Lexa says she cannot forgive her, Clarke knows she’ll leave because now New York has Lexa in every corner for her. No more attractive strangers could pass for a distraction after meeting someone like her.  
  
“Why do you need my approval though? I don’t understand exactly why you’re asking this of me. Of all people. Am I not a stranger?” This woman had no idea how Clarke saw her, though to be honest she had little idea either. Other than knowing she wanted more and more for every day to come from her, she couldn’t explain why. It couldn’t only be that Clarke wronged her and it was her guilt. Guilt doesn’t cause desire. Lust does. Clarke is attracted to Lexa but there’s something about her that reminds her of herself.  
  
Meeting Lexa reminded her of kindness and Clarke realized she’d been void of something that simple in so long. Being handed everything from Finn and having Costia please her during their every second felt fake. Life isn’t real when you get everything you want and her mom always told her an adventure that involves effort is better than a journey made without a bump.  
  
“Because Lexa, I want to deserve a reason to be happy and I need that from you or I’ll always feel like I hurt you without trying to fix it. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I’d done it before, but until I met you I didn’t want to stop. I mean it when I say you’re beautiful.” Lexa’s cheeks were rosy pink as she listened, and Clarke almost couldn’t stop speaking to let her get a word in. She just wanted to keep making Lexa’s smile grow little by little.  
  
“So, Clarke, you ended your affair with my girlfriend to tell me you wanted to be with me? Is that what you’re saying?” Clarke was surprised at her boldness, but she smiled big.  
  
“I think so. You’re different Lexa. Let me show you I can be different too.” The brunette looked at her with serious eyes.  
  
“You already have Clarke, but I can’t do that. I do forgive you though. Maybe one day we’ll meet again.” Her words reached Clarke’s ears slowly as she understood. Lexa had said no. Her own smile fell as she heard the sentence again and again. Deep down she got it though… and she knew Lexa was right.  
  
“Yea okay. Right. I hope we do. Do you—should I—I’ll go. I’m sorry Lexa. The past month was a month too long.” Clarke stood, watching Lexa watch her from her spot on the couch and the girl gave her a subtle nod. “I do hope we’ll meet again.” She said at last, exiting the house and life she’d come to know. Her walk to her car felt heavy, but her heart felt light. Clarke knew she did the right thing, and now, all she had left was to go home again, getting far away from this place.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as it may be.” P and P, 1813.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not believe I beta'd very well, nor does it make much sense. This story is kinda my own personal experiment of an angsty mess.

**5 months into the past**  
  
Just as soon as Lexa felt settled in the new job, it began getting hectic. The clinic she’d just begun running as head vet had taken off due to the owner’s popularity, plus the busy streets of New York and their everyday animal injuries. Lexa took it upon herself to stay as late as her exhaustion could manage if it meant saving lives. Tonight had been a rough one for her, as she’d lost a dog she’d been trying to save from a severe case of mange and dehydration. His name was Willis and he was a black lab who came in as a stray a week ago. Lexa took to him right away because of his sweet brown eyes. The dog wanted to get better and Lexa tried. He was just too tired to keep on.  
  
That kind of case, day after day, wore on her and made her want nothing more than to get home and snuggle up with her girlfriend. Her heart ached as she thought of Willis one last time, how she held his paw and said goodbye. A tear slipped, but she wiped it and climbed out her of car. Finally, being home took away some of the pain surrounding her thoughts. Lexa opened the door and was welcomed by the sound of the tv on and popcorn lingering. She kicked off her shoes and walked in to find Costia half asleep on the loveseat.  
  
Lexa smiled warmly and headed over, kneeling down and poking her girlfriend to stir her. “Cos? Hey.” She said sweetly, running a hand down the woman’s arm. The brunette in question jolted then, looking at her.  
  
“Lexa hi babe. I fell asleep waiting for you. How was work?” Lexa laid behind her, hooking her arms around.  
  
“I had to say bye to Willis. His skin wasn’t getting any better and he was just in pain from being unable to eat too. I got a few kittens in after, and gave them baths and shots. That helped.” She admitted. Costia turned to her and smiled, kissing her cheek.  
  
“He’s happy again Lex, don’t worry. We should get one of those kittens.” Lexa smiled right away.  
  
“No way! Can we?!” Her girlfriend giggled and kissed her again. The night was easier after that. They usually were.  
  
**4 Months into the past**  
  
“Lexa code E, code E! There’s a dog coming in in need of immediate throat surgery to dislodge a baseball. The owner says it happened less than 3 minutes ago and they got right into the car to come here.” Lexa jumped up from her spot looking at an old painted turtle in his cage to head to the surgery room, prepping an emergency tracheotomy. Minutes later a car came skidding into the parking lot of the clinic, immediately letting out a teenager holding a dog.  
  
Within seconds the team was working on clearing the dogs’ airway and intubating him past the ball. An anesthesiologist quickly rendered the dog unconscious as well through an IV and they got to work in the operating room. Quick teamwork like this from her staff makes Lexa grateful for the long days at work. They’ve been happening more and more often as Lexa became better known as a vet in the city. Her clinic was owned by a well renowned surgeon and veterinarian named Indra Priestly. So when Lexa was asked to work for her, she jumped at the chance.  
  
It had always been her dream to eventually open her own clinic and Indra had told her more than once she was qualified to take over when the time came. That ensured the clinic meant more to her than anything, so she sacrificed almost all her hours to be there. It was her career after all. Her girlfriend Costia knew this, so Lexa didn’t feel too bad spending her nights saving animals. Her phone rings, pulling her from her thoughts. Costia’s name is lit up on her screen and she smiles.  
  
“Babe? Hey.” She answered. A small sigh came on the other end.  
  
“Hey hun. I was wondering if I should bother making dinner for two tonight? You’ve been having some late nights.” Lexa thought about it. She really does need to stick around a little longer to check on some more cases and she’s the only on-call vet tonight.  
  
“Oh Cos I’m sorry, but I’m the only one on tonight until we close. If someone comes in I need to be here.”  
  
“Okay, I figured. Love you Lex.” The brunette smiled.  
  
“Love you too.”  
  
**3 Months into the past**  
  
The rain outside was thudding against the windows of the house heavily. Outside the sky was grey and the clouds were low, making for a dreary day. Lexa had no energy for these days but life doesn’t stop just because the sun isn’t shining. That’s something she’d come to accept long ago. The brunette rose to wake, but her girlfriend’s arm on her side prevented her fully.  
  
“I have to get up for work, Cos. Come on, let me go.” The words meant nothing to her then, but a sleepy Costia pulled her arm away and answered.  
  
“It seems like I have no choice.” Lexa didn’t think much of that, getting up anyway to start her day. When she came home that night the house was empty and so was her phone of texts. Lexa told Costia she wasn’t going to make it for dinner time, so to go out if she wanted. Apparently, she did. Later that night, a loud bang from the front hall startled Lexa awake. She made her way out to find a drunk Costia taking her shoes off and failing to be quiet in her efforts, despite the woman saying ‘sssh’ over and over to herself.  
  
The scene was kind of cute to the sleepy vet. She couldn’t find it in her to be mad that Costia was out late, because she told her to be. Lexa just watched as her girlfriend stumbled around, finally landing on the couch and not moving again. She laughed, putting a blanket over her. The next morning was less cute when a pile of throw up was in her place and Costia had left the house, door unlocked in a rush. Lexa was confused to say the least.  
  
A couple days after that incident, it was a Saturday night and Lexa called off work to have Date Night. It was the first night off she’d had in months since work became so busy for her. Costia was still out as of now, but looking at the clock Lexa saw it was only a quarter of 5. Date night wasn’t official until 7 p.m., that was their rule. The brunette decided to prepare for the night, doing her hair into long wild curls and braiding her bangs back. She slipped on slick black pants and a red loose blouse, showing off her collarbones.  
  
By the time 6:45 p.m. came, Costia hadn’t answered her text or phone call about meeting at Grounders, a local restaurant they usually go to. A pit formed in her stomach as she waited on the couch, distracting herself with a story online and a glass of wine. When her glass was empty and she was 5 chapters in, the clock read 7:30 p.m. and her phone was silent still. Lexa decided one more text wouldn’t hurt.  
  
**L at 7:32 p.m.: Hey Cos, I hope you’re good. I still wanna go out tonight if you do. Call me back please babe.**  
  
After she sent it, it didn’t take long for a text to finally come back in. Lexa felt her heart still upon reading it.  
  
**C at 7:35 p.m.: I thought if I didn’t reply you’d get I don’t want to go out tonight**  
  
Lexa was confused now, because she was out. Costia wasn’t home so clearly she was doing something somewhere, with someone. Costia had never said anything so cold to her and she didn’t know what to say, so she called her. After a few rings Costia answered, full of distain.  
  
“Lex what did I just say to you in that text? I don’t wanna be with you tonight!” Her voice was so harsh and distant, Lexa felt it echoing in her head.  
  
“Costia I don’t understand is all. Are you mad at me for something?” She felt like she was pulling teeth with the silence on the other end. “Costia?”  
  
“Can we just talk another time please? I’m too tired for this.” Lexa just guffawed, unsure what to even say or do.  
  
“Um okay. I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done babe.” But she was gone with a click and Lexa just stayed sat there, holding her phone to her ear and hearing her own heart beat like drum. She’d been seeing Costia for 7 months now, and this was the first time she’d been blown off so meanly. Costia has been busy before, with her lesser work hours and abundance of friends. But there was always an invite her way to come if she got freed up or just to know she was wanted. This was a first, and Lexa hoped it wasn’t the beginning of anything.  
  
**2 Months into the past**  
  
It had become routine now for Lexa to try and avoid Costia in the morning before work. It went in vain though since the woman was usually awake, because she just never slept, and she’d do nothing but pester Lexa about going to work for so long. This morning was nothing new, compared to the past month of built up annoyances.  
  
“You’re always exhausted after work.” “You cry too easily now from that job.” “I never get to have my sexy nights anymore because you don’t sleep with me!” If there was something to say and complain about, Costia had done it. Lexa would leave the house without a kiss these days and it didn’t go unnoticed by her. Slowly Costia began making her feel untouchable and like she didn’t want to be with her, so Lexa took up even more hours at work to save her the trouble of being around her. This did wonders to ruin them more. Until one day, Costia didn’t so much as even look at her.  
  
**1 Month B.C (Before Clarke)**

 

It was a drastic change. Usually people don’t change overnight but Costia did. The previous month had been hard, sure, but there was still communication. The night before Lexa could remember a distinct goodnight before she fell asleep on the couch tiredly and Costia dredged into their shared room. But the morning after the next, there was no coffee left nor even a plate of breakfast in the fridge. The house had looked emptier and felt lonely. She remembers coming home that to no one and that lasted for a few days. Just before Lexa began to worry, Costia came home, drunk unsurprisingly and went to bed. For about a whole day.  
  
When she woke it was Sunday, so Lexa took the day, and she waited. The brunette eventually arose from her slumber, banging her way out of the room with grumbles and groans and when she saw Lexa she just looked away. It was as if Lexa hadn’t been there. She remembers the look in her ‘girlfriends’ eye. It was cold and unrecognizing of even she, never mind any sort of feeling for Lexa. It was a rude awakening. One which seemed to only get worse.  
  
The worst thing in the world is the feeling of being unsafe. Your being is your only self, and when you get hurt it’s so possible for anything to happen. When someone you love and trust, someone who is supposed to do anything in their power to prevent you from getting hurt; hurts you… the world shatters. Your whole idea of right and wrong is blurred and the lines never become clear again in their presence. Some days are okay around them, if you walk on egg shells and probably don’t question a thing they do. Other days, even if you’re quiet they’ll tell you to get out, and if you’re not fast you’ll probably get hit.  
  
It happened the first time when Lexa did just that. She was ‘intruding’ on Costia’s breakfast. Intruding being the word Costia used when Lexa walked by in a sleep shirt and was barely awake. She’d been headed to make her own coffee, literally wasn’t even going to be touching whatever Costia had made and yet the girl saw it as an intrusion. She backed Lexa into the counter, taking the mug from her hands and throwing it at the cabinet behind her, terrifying her to the core. Then when Lexa questioned her, slapped her face. Lexa was shocked silent; left shaking and it just hurt. It really did. When so few months ago it felt normal. Costia had wanted to love her and then she just didn’t.  
  
There came a day soon after, Costia had been on the phone and she was laughing away. A nice deep laugh Lexa hadn’t heard in many months and it started a spiral inside her. She knew something was wrong. So when Costia kept getting those morning phone calls and staying out late, kept hitting her for trying to romance her, and kept coming home drunk smelling like someone else; she wasn’t surprised. It was as if she’d been expecting it, and letting it happen. Considering she kept going into work, and staying however late, she did let it. Simply because she knew there’d be nothing left for her home.  
  
Then it happened. Lexa came home late around 10 p.m. after too long a night. She’d lost a pair of old cats who were surrendered by a dying woman going into a hospice home. It was like they knew their owner was ‘going’ too. So, she was emotionally drained, and opening her door to the sound of laughter from the upstairs threw her off. For some reason, she’d expected things were going to be okay when she opened that door and walked in. What did she expect?  
  
Well, certainly not to find Costia in a compromising situation, while on the phone. Laughter rung out, though her hand kept busy. Lexa slammed the door closed, feeling her heart drop out and beat faster somehow at the same time. After that Costia didn’t really pretend anymore like she was interested. She walked out of a room if Lexa walked in. She grumbled if Lexa walked by. She was out odd hours and sent zero texts, left no notes, and wore a smile not caused by Lexa. It was an unsettling feeling. The slaps and shoves were painless compared to losing love.  
  
It all became… even less painless the first time Lexa saw why Costia changed. The first time she saw her. It was the party last week that Costia had thrown just because. Like she usually did. The night of it she worked too late, but when she came home there was an extra pair of shoes by the door. Ones she didn’t recognize and not Costia’s size anyway. It wasn’t until hours later when Costia woke up and called her Clarke, hugging her side, that she knew she was right. It was an unfamiliar but not unwelcome feeling to be hugged again. Until Costia ripped her arm back, yelling.  
  
“Lexa?! How did you get in here!” Confusing her. It was her room… “I thought—wasn’t I in the guest room?” Now Lexa just sighed.  
  
“I don’t know where you thought you were last night Cos.” She rubbed her temples, moving to lay back down but then Costia looked at her like she was crazy.  
  
“No! That means you need to move!” Lexa just looked at her, trying to gauge her anger.  
  
“This is my house and my bed Costia. I want to sleep in my own bed! I did nothing wrong.” She answered, feeling so tired. She honestly couldn’t stand being unwanted because it was just exhausting. “You know, can we just not? Please. I’ll leave but just don’t start.” Costia hardly spared her because she just got up, going into the guest room. When she emerged minutes later, a beautiful woman was in her wake. Lexa saw bright blonde hair before she saw her face and had already guessed that was ‘Clarke’. The woman never saw her, because Costia had walked her right out.  
  
Everything had come to a head once Lexa had seen how beautiful she was. She stopped caring when she got slapped if it meant Clarke could be around. Lexa had never thought she’d be one to allow herself to be pushed around, but she knew she’d do anything for this woman.  
  
**5 Minutes A.C (After Clarke)**

Besides the party after and the night Lexa walked in on Clarke singing, their first face to face moment is what Lexa remembers most. That moment this morning. Pulling herself from her thoughts Lexa is reminded what just transpired. Clarke had confessed that she’d felt bad about the past month. Was she really being sincere? What could Lexa believe? It almost felt like a joke for Clarke to suddenly decide she’d go after Lexa instead. How dare she think Lexa was so easy to forgive she’d take her, after she dumps her own girlfriend?  
  
The entire situation gives her a headache. Costia was no longer in an affair it meant, but if that meant she and Costia were now over she didn’t know. Truthfully the woman wasn’t even sure if they had been together for a while now. Maybe Lexa was just pulling at nothing because she didn’t want to believe it was over and she’d caused it. It was all too much. The thought of Costia coming home any minute, possibly storming in and taking her things and leaving left her with a pit. She desperately wanted a nap before the storm, so she lay there waiting.  
  
Once a nap came, Lexa didn’t wake up until nightfall. Or more correctly, nothing and nobody woke her up. Walking around the house downstairs she found it was unchanged. She had almost expected it to be upturned and empty, void of Costia’s colorful things. Her own items were pretty boring and plain so if Costia left, her home would feel soulless. Not that Costia brought much life, or good life, but it was something Lexa didn’t have on her own. However, the house still had her stuff, but she wasn’t there.  
  
Maybe she wouldn’t come back. That was possible. It’s not like a couple bags of clothes and some hairbrushes and makeup couldn’t be replaced. The idea of Costia not coming back at all though made her feel worse. Then it would be like getting dumped without even having a reason why. She’d be left to blame herself or just keep wondering if she could have fixed it somehow. Clarke was leaving too. She’d said she was going home, wherever home was. Which was fine by her because it meant one less confusing, beautifully so, soul-crushing woman.  
  
It made her want to leave too though. It was time to restart, wasn’t it? Didn’t she deserve that too? The idea left her reeling. She’d never been one for change. Her home was hers here in New York. It had been left to her from her family and she’d pictured her growing old inside it a hundred times before. Sat at the counter now though it didn’t feel like the house she wanted to live in for all time to come. So now… what was she to do? Seriously. All she could think of was to leave. It’s all she wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I continue sometime before the next freaking ice age, I will write about their leaving. For now, picture them both healing yea?


End file.
